breastfeeding and me

I have this love-hate relationship with breastfeeding.

How do I explain?

I love the closeness and bonding with baby. But I hate being tied down.

I love the satisfied, contented look on her face. But I dread the endless nights of broken sleep.

When I feed baby, I sometimes feel robbed of time with Joseph.

When I don't feed her, I feel inadequate.

da milk guzzler

With Joseph, it was all just Joe. He weaned himself at 8months at that was the end of my breastfeeding journey with him.

This time around with Joy-Anne, it's just different. She seems to want to drink more, and sleep less compared to Joe. So when I'm at home, she's stuck to me almost all the time. I can't take Joe to the playground, or swimming, or do art and craft with him. Needless to say, there's no such thing as "me-time".

I feel so trapped. Feeding Joy-Anne seems to threaten my closeness with Joe. He reacts by telling me "Mama...play with me. I need you to be my friend!". When I'm going out to work, he says, "NO mama! Don't go out!". I can't help but sometimes feel resentfully frustrated towards my innocent baby who's now starting to smile and laugh a lot. Then I feel guilty.